Let me paint a little picture for you: it’s Monday morning, you’ve just rolled out of bed, and you’re already “shoulding” all over yourself.

“I should get up earlier.”

“I should work out before work.”

“I should feel more grateful that I have a job.”

Sound familiar? If it does, welcome to the club. We all do it. We wake up and immediately start policing our lives with a checklist of “shoulds.” We think it’s productive, but spoiler alert: it’s not. In fact, it’s the quickest way to feel anxious, stuck, and like you’re never quite measuring up.

Why Do We Do This?

“Shoulding” often comes from good intentions. Maybe you heard it from a well-meaning parent: “You should always try your best.” Or maybe it’s the internet screaming: “You should be meditating, eating clean, building a side hustle, and journaling every day!” Somewhere along the way, we internalized the idea that life has a strict set of rules we’re supposed to follow. And if we’re not checking off every box, we’re failing.

The problem is, “should” is rooted in guilt. It’s that nagging voice that says, “You’re not doing enough” or worse, “You’re not enough.” And when we let “should” run the show, we’re not living authentically. We’re not asking ourselves the most important question: What do I actually want?

The Great Shift: From “Should” to “Want”

Here’s the thing: “Should” has a bossy, judgmental vibe. “Want” feels softer, kinder—more like your BFF handing you a cozy blanket and asking what you’d like to watch on Netflix.

When you stop and ask, “What do I want?” instead of “What should I do?” it shifts everything. Suddenly, you’re not operating from a place of guilt or obligation. You’re tuning into what feels good, what excites you, what makes your soul light up.

Let’s say you’re staring at a pile of laundry. The “should” voice says, “You should get that folded immediately, or you’re a lazy human.” But what if you paused and asked, “What do I actually want right now?” Maybe the answer is, “I want to take 10 minutes to sit outside and enjoy my coffee.” And you know what? That’s okay. The laundry isn’t going anywhere.

Breaking Up with “Should”

So how do you stop shoulding all over yourself? Here’s a quick game plan:

1. Notice the Shoulds: The first step is awareness. Pay attention to how often you use the word “should” in your thoughts and conversations.
2. Question It: Ask yourself, “Who says I should do this? Is this coming from me, or someone else’s expectations?”
3. Flip It: Replace “should” with “want.” For example, instead of saying, “I should go to the gym,” try, “I want to move my body in a way that feels good.”
4. Practice Self-Compassion: Give yourself permission to prioritize what you truly want without feeling guilty. You’re allowed to live life on your own terms.

How Therapy Can Help

Sometimes, breaking free from the “shoulds” isn’t as simple as flipping a mental switch. That’s where therapy can come in. Working with a trusted therapist gives you the space to explore where those “shoulds” are coming from and why they hold so much power. A therapist can help you untangle years of societal pressure, family expectations, and self-imposed rules, so you can start living a life that feels more authentic to you. Plus, having someone in your corner who gets it can be incredibly freeing. You don’t have to figure it all out alone.

Final Thoughts

When we stop “shoulding” and start asking what we really want, we’re no longer living a life dictated by guilt and obligation. We’re creating a life that feels aligned, joyful, and uniquely ours. So the next time you catch yourself mid-“should,” pause. Take a deep breath. And ask, “What do I want?”

Because you deserve a life that feels good, not just one that looks good on paper.

Feel like we might be a good fit to work together? Simply drop a comment below and I’ll be in touch!